exit-vim

A Vim plugin that will automatically close Vim on startup.

Vim is scary. Here are 7 FACTS that YOU DIDN'T KNOW about Vim that will SHOCK you:

• Science has proven that Vim is harder to quit than smoking cigarettes.
• Black holes trap all matter that passes beyond their event horizon using Vim.
• Maya Angelou wrote "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" when she was trying to get out of Vim.
• Vim either voted for Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, whomever you liked less.
• Vim only supports the arrow keys, not WASD.
• The popular 2017 thriller "Get Out" was inspired by Jordan Peele trying to exit Vim.
• Vim prefers T-Series.

Plugin Installation

With Vim 8.0 or higher:

Clone this repository into ~/.vim/pack/<package_name>/start/exit-vim where <package_name> can be anything you want (I would recommend a reference to a verse from your religious book of choice, to ward off the evil spirits lurking within the internals of the computational manifestation of the World of Darkness, Vim).

Pray, then run Vim. If for some reason your setup didn't work, you are now trapped. There is nothing anyone can do for you now. All hope is lost. Your best hope is button mashing. Maybe you'll figure it out before those monkeys get to Shakespeare.

With luck and the blessing of your divinity of choice, Vim will now auto-quit on startup. Congratulations. You have taken the first step on the path back to righteousness. May the Father grant you wisdom and the Mother have mercy on your past sins.

A Brief History of Malice

In 1976, black-hat basement hacker Bill Joy, cofounder of Sun Microsystems (and, by extension, the man responsible for all the evils of the Oracle Corporation) hacked together a quick piece of ransomware called Vi.

The idea was simple: create a command line "utility" that holds developers hostage to their own code! Don't go pressing buttons – Vi is "powerful", which means it only takes a few keystrokes to accidentally delete an entire file! No, to cement your reliance on him, the ironically named Mr. Joy ingeniously one-upped the classic write-shit-code-for-job-security scheme and instead brought the entire software engineering community to its knees!

The most invidious part of his plan was to slip this ransomware, under the guise of a tool, into every modern operating system! (Windows, of course, not being a modern operating system – besides, the Windows ransomware space is oversaturated). Even users have been victims:

Doing My Part

The open source community has long been a bastion of sanity and morality in the mercurial landscape of the software developement industry (I talked to a lot of open-source developers and that's what they told me). I decided it was time to take up arms and join the righteous crusade against evil. But before I can tackle the deepest, most pernicious actors (like the infamous hacker known only as "4chan") I must cut a path through the lesser malignants.(Broken windows theory, of course, being a universally acclaimed and completely uncontroversial way to fight crime). So, I have decided to build a plugin that will kill the ransomware, and to do it in the most poetic way imaginable:

No worthy villain has ever been brought down solely by the efforts of a bold hero; it is only with the help of his internal flaws that he may fall! Thus, I have slain the dragon with its own fire – I have written a VimScript plugin to auto-quit Vim whenever Vim starts. I hope that this plugin can start us, as a community, down a path to redemption, and towards a better life. Working developers of all parts of the stack, unite!

Disclaimer: I love Vim. This is just for the lulz.